Mood:  happy

               Wow weather getting so cold here can''t wait for the summer hate the cold. Can't wait for this divorce to be over also I want a car it is way to cold to walk anywhere. It is such a drag trying to get to the store for food, Ryan's friends have been great but right now most of them are away doing comedy and Brian's car just died.

              Will is in Vegas I hope he does great, he will be there untill March this may be the break he needs sure hope so. Hopefully the appraisal that was done on the house lst week will come in tomorrow and that will get this divorce moving and it will be over in a month or so. Then we can decided what we are going to do, either sell and move into Queens or Bronx or move to San Diego.

             I really want to move off Long Island and get away from everything. When this all started I did think that maybe I would like to be in my childrens lives again but not any more. Their lives are way too toxic for me to be involved in I am a much happier and much more contented person not being involved in their lives. Besides the fact I don't like any of them, so that's not a very good place to be, involved in  peoples lives when you don't like them.

             As for my grandchildren, the oldest one yes I will be involved in her life again I have no doubt about that we are forever connected. The others no I don't suppose so, I have come to terms with that also. However the picture their  parents would present of me  would not be a good one so therefore they would not percieve nor treat me how I should be treated so their being in my life would be futile.

            

                  It has never been easy for me to be around people, it is something I have worked on my entire adult life. Especially people I do not know, and most especially a crowded room. There was a time when I just could not even go into one I would just simply avoid it. I am quite happy if I am somewhere just to sit by myself and be left alone. For instance if I go to see my son do his stand up I have no problem sitting at a table by myself and enjoying the show. In fact unless I am with people I know really well and I am very comfortable with I would much prefer to sit by myself. I really do like being by myself, I am very much a loner, I always have been I have no problem with it. As a child I would go to the library get books out and then go home and sit in my room by myself and just read. I had friends but I liked to be by myself, the only reason I mention this is because it is others who made me feel bad about that and as if there was something really wrong with it. The Elder called me Anti Social, come to think of it I never did hear him say anything positive about me.

                 It is also rather sad how others can percieve you  when you have this type of personality. Growing up I was painfully shy, one of the reasons I moved to another country ( so brave) I look back at it now and it scares the shit out of me.  How I ever had the courage to do that only God knows, I am not kidding I was so shy I could barely talk to anyone. I guess I talked to enough people I got here, anyhow I thought if I made this great leap it would help with this overwhelming shyness, I would be forced to commumicate with people. Back to how people percieve you, (told you my mind rambles) standoffish, cold, feeling your better than. When I was told that for the first time I was totally floored because it was so far from the truth. Sure I did not want to be there but not because I felt better than, I just simply did not want to be there, it had nothing to do with who was there. I was there and I did not want to be there simple as that.. Truthfully if you really knew me, ask my son, I do not think I have felt I am better than anyone in my entire life. How could I possibly I am a drunk for heaven's sake and an imperfect human........flawed to be exact. I may not like you as in said CH but as in he is God's creation I am no better then he, just at the moment living a better life. I am not sucking on "The Devil's Candy"

             I do not believe I have ever been at a point in my life were I have ever been fully accepted for just being me, as me ever. What a wonderful glorious feeling it is, it may have taken all of 62 yrs so what it happened.  It took that long for me to accept me totally with no guilt just to be the person God made me, with a lot of help from God. Many many prayers to him and Our Blessed Mother there were many dark moments. It did not take my precious son that long however, he just accepts me totally for who I am, what a blessing, I thank God every day  for him.